Friday, January 7, 2011

In Soviet Beverly Hills, Television Watches You


Turns out, when you don't have Tivo, you actually end up watching more TV, because you're obsessed with not missing the TV that Tivo catches for you. So instead of checking my local listings (HOWDOYOUDOTHAT???) and planning TV time accordingly, I now fully understand why I watched as much Andy Griffith Show and Ricki Lake as I did when I was a kid.

As a result of the constant TV-watching I've been doing, I now know all about the Real Housewives of various counties/cities/states. I think I've decided on a favorite (beside New Jersey, DUH), and I'm going with The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, because I got to hear a conversation between a man and wife that went something like this:

Husband: How about this? For every $1,000 you spend, I get a free hour of golf.

Wife who was on Little House on the Prairie, But Only After It Started To Suck: Tee hee hee. You should go golfing all day today! Oh, and Renee V. of MommyBlogYAY, you have ramen on your chin, and I truly pity your existence.

I swear, she totally said it like that, too. Like I was some kind of Atlanta Housewife! The nerve!

I love watching the Bonkersness of the Rich and Sorta-Famous, though. It's so fun to get wrapped up in it. Eric called me during the middle of a marathon, to ask me for our credit card information so he could pay for a community college class, and to make sure we had enough on our available balance not already being used to pay for antibiotics, new eyeglasses, and car repairs, and I was like, "Don't even worry about it! I'll just fire one of our four nannies! Tee hee. Golfing, later today?" And then I got off the phone, got back to my favorite corner of the tattered slip-covered couch to recommence the fantasy that I was at least eating Caviar-flavored ramen. (Which, I know, caviar is so 80's... like limos and french poodles, but in my dreams, I'm Hipster Rich, so irony is just part of the fun,)

Eventually, I turn off the TV though, and I'm cool with that too. My pool is not shaped like a wine glass, and I am not kiss-kiss friends with Richard Branson, but I'm really happy, and I've got something those ladies will never have: A forehead that moves.

Okay, officially turning off the TV for good, at least for the rest of the weekend. Expecting reality to sink in any minute now, and honestly, I can't wait.


Sarah Beau Bera said...

hahahahahahaha love this. You also are so much smarter than any house wife on Bravo. Especially the ex-house wife that says "womans" instead of "women". Did you see when Kelsey Grammar's wife tried to speak to the funny Brit and it was not a person but a voice mail box? LOVED THAT!

The Wizzle said...

Those crazy housewives!

I would write more, but my private manicurist is here for a house call and I don't want to smudge my diamond-encrusted fingernails.

I'm sure you understand, darling.

Hope is a Thing With Feathers said...

I hate to be a one upper, but I am my mother's daughter, so I will remind you that SOME of us don't even HAVE tv that doesn't come over the airwaves.

Kristin said...

I'm an Atlanta fan...I wish I had a BFF like Nene who would come up with fun catch phrases and be loud and obnoxious. We would totally bag on She by Sheree and pull off Kim's wig. Oh, Atlanta!

Beverly Hills is pretty good, too..I'll give you that. The dinner party with the medium? Outrageous!!!!!! I love Giggy the pomeranian who's feet never seem to touch the ground and his mom, Lisa. I don't want the other Housewives, but NJ looks like it could be fun.

Joan said...

Crying laughing right now. I just watched my recorded marathon of the original OC house wives. Thanks, for writing this! You are the best!