Thursday, July 23, 2009

What Happens When Your Daughter Wants To Play Dolls, And You'd Rather Watch T.V.

On this episode of Tinies and Trophies:

Ashlyn Park: Director of Pageants

"Galaxy Star Beauty Pageant is the ultimate in Star Beauty Pageants in this Galaxy.  In this WORLD, even.  We have contestants from all over the Great State of Southern U.S.A. and they are ALL In It To Win IT." 

 "And by IT, I mean 1/8 of their admission fees, not taking into account the cost of what it takes to win anything at all.  I don't feel the need to justify any of this to you."

"We have so many great contestants this year.  Grandy Sheraton, our former Miss Galaxy Star is returning, and we just got word we will also have Winnie Westin, who is BIG in these parts of the pageantry circuit.  And by BIG, I mean to say nothing about her weight.  Winnie is returning from hospitalization for undisclosed purposes..."

Stepheny Westin, Mom to Winnie

"Winnie just turned 6, and we are very excited to return to the Pageant World.  I tried to get her into the 4 and under category, which she has previously always won, because she is the size of an infant, but the judges remarkably frowned upon our weight loss tactics and we were disqualified for the past two years.  But we're in it to WIN this time, aren't we baby?  .....  She says yes, don't you?  Yes."

Carla Ritz-Carlton, Mom to June and Leo

"This is June's first year in pageants.  She's momma's chance to recapture youth, and she's going to WIN.  I also signed up my red-headed stepchild, what's-his-name.  He's there to up my chances of having a nervous breakdown, giving June an edge with the Pity Vote."

"I don't like pageants, but it gives me a chance to dance, and they make momma happy.  And I don't care about winning, just so long as everyone has fun"

"June is a little sweetheart, bless her, but she doesn't stand a chance.  We don't give trophies for Fun Having."  

Judges, Galaxy Star Beauty Pageant

"We don't give trophies for Fun Having."  

Destiny Hilton, Mom to Carey

"Carey just loves pageants.  He's been doing pageants since he was just 2 days old.  I always thought I need a girl, but I was wrong.  Carey is all the girl I need."  
Carey: "I hate my mom, but that's okay because one day I will take it out on everyone else."  

"This is Carey's talent costume.  It cost $40,000.  He wears this and sings 'On The Good Ship Lollipop' which makes the judges just want to eat him up."

"We want to eat him up."

"And this is Carey's Outfit of Choice.  I can't tell you how much it cost because my husband doesn't know yet.  But how do you put a price on Precious?"  

Winnie's Mom
"We tried to have her nails done, but they broke off."

"Today is the big day, and we just love The Big Day because that is the Day of Winning.  And these beauties are In It To Win It.  Did I already use that line?  Well, these kids are In The House.  And They Are Rockin' It.  The House.  These kids are Rockin' the House."

"My little girl has just gotta win.  It's like, C'mon now.  With my genes?  How could she not?  Oh my stepson?  I think he's around here somewhere.  I lost track of him when we checked in."

"And this is Bellany Marriot, she is just the cutest darn thing, and she says that one day she will Rule The World.  Her favorite food is chicken nuggets and oreos."

"Here we have Regency Hyatt coming on stage.  She is just a barrel of laughs.  Her aspirations are to become a Mommy AND first woman president, and her favorite food is spaghetti-o's and candy."  

"And the winner of Galaxy Star Beauty is Leo!"  

"I always knew he was a winner."  

"I will destroy you all."  

"I think I'm in the wrong show."


The Wizzle said...

OK, now I'm thinking I really need to watch this show.

Also, my kids may or may not be familiar with most of the Project Runway contestants from the last 2 seasons. They could probably do a diorama of their own. And it would be "fierce".

diane said...

Wow. Renee. Wow.

diane said...

wow = you are incredibly creative and I ♥ you.

Anonymous said...

Renee? Just stay put. I'm sending someone over right away...

Katy said...

If this was an ongoing show on Adult swim, I'd watch it. Hell, I'd TiVo it! I'm pretty much speachless Renee. This is GOLD!

Renee said...

I'll have to give props to Lennon for set design. (Get it, PROPS..... holy crap, people). She was also responsible for costume headpieces. And muscle Jesus. I can't take credit for muscle Jesus.

This was once an idea for a blog. If any of you are interested in contributing a blog like this with me, send me a heads up. It'd just be based off of submissions. It can be done in a naptime, I promise.

Kristin said...

Renee, this was the most hilarious thing I've ever seen on your blog, hands down. You've captured all of the craziness of Toddlers and Tiaras perfectly, and the commitment to styling this photo shoot is stunning. I would only sprinkle in a few "Destiny is really gonna git up there an' SHINE"...for some reason, they all talk about how their kid will "SHINE" onstage, it's weird.

Also, I direct your attention to - their staff does videos using dolls, including my pretty ponies, to do mock-America's Next Top Model and Bachelor shows..they make up crazy names, too. Check it out.

Renee said...

I should have worked for EW.

Jason Centers said...

I love how so many of the kids' faces are groin-level with Muscle Jesus. Also the giant wall socket behind the trophy table. ALSO Carey's mom's upskirt shot. Magic!

Anonymous said...

I noticed the upskirt shot too of Carey's mom, but I didn't want to be the first pervert to point it out.

Katy said...

ha ha . That comment wasn't supposed to be anonymous! It's me, Katy. Now I look like even more of a pervert!

Heidi said...

this post reminds me of our entire childhoold once we got a video camera.

Anonymous said...

Have you nothing else to do with your time. I'll have to take you out more often.

Scarlet said...

This post alone confirms in my mind that I miss way too much when I do not have working internet access. This was both hilarious and nostalgic for me.