Saturday, July 25, 2009

I am so good at friendship, it makes me vomit

This morning, as I gathered eggs from my chicken coop for a well-rounded breakfast that would put the pictures on cereal boxes to shame, my complexion clear and dewy, my eyes bright, it dawned on me that I am awesome, and that I, in no way, say weird things that make people cringe when they meet up with me in person.  

Last night, I dazzled dinner companions with my bright smile and easy conversations, and not once did I put anyone off by challenging her to a cuss-word contest.  Eric and I smoothly paid for dinner, and I was sure to compliment our companions on their adorable son, who I managed to win over immediately with my charm.  

Her husband just loved it when I asked him about his job and his interests, and totally got that he was serious about loving soccer, before I kind of, sort of made a joke that soccer is for hooligans.  

Unicorns served our dinner, and I tipped them generously with buffalo nickels and a map to the lost city of Atlantis.  It started to rain cash, so we bid adieu in a timely manner, and not at all awkwardly where I just start to stand up and call it a night.  

It went smoothly, and they will totally take us up on our (appropriate and appealing) offer to come sit on our immaculate and stylish couch and watch TV with us.  I know this, because I am awesome.  

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OH MY GOSH, CONGRATULATIONS TO MRS. MOUTHY ON THE NEWEST ADDITION TO THE FAMILY!!  

6 comments:

diane said...

So are you inviting me to dinner someday too? I wanna see this smooth-as-'ish' Renee.
I do weird things like cop a feel on Renee's boob at Thanksgiving. So there.

Carolyn said...

I just left you so many rapid fire comments i am actually embarrassed. Your blog is the good side of crazy. I love it all!

thanks for saying hello on my blog, without which i might never have found you...these sick pregnancy days i need as much funny reading material as i can get my hands on.

Sarah Beau Bera said...

If I make a comment to indicate that I was your lucky dinner companion will that only make your other readers green with envy? Will they start sending bad vibes my way because they are mad it was me and not them that got to laugh at the funny things you say?

Renee said...

Diane, you make turkey day feel right. We DO need to have dinner.

Carolyn, I feel like a celebrity just read my blog. Holy crap, I might pee my pants, and I don't even have pregnancy to blame.

Sarah, my readers come to my blog to feel better about themselves, for at least not being me. You may be disrupting the feng shui or chakra or whatever.

Renee said...

That is to say, Sarah, keep it coming.

Also, I was being sarcastic in EVERYTHING BUT the comment about your son being adorable. I love him already.

mrsmouthy said...

Thanks for the congrats! I can't count the amount of times in the past few days I've said, "I can't believe I have another baby!" I'll probably be in the driveway, still repeating it, when Rocco drives off to college.

Oh no, I'm going to start crying again...