Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Nutcracker on Ice

This is the first Holiday thing my Tivo recorded for me. Not a movie. Laaaaaaaaaaaame.

I watched it anyway, because I'm terribly uncool, and actually enjoy ice skating. Also, I really like The Nutcracker ballet, as does Lennon, so I don't really know why I was disappointed when I saw it sitting in my Now Playing queue. Maybe I'm psychic.

Let's start with Viktor Petrenko and his skullet (that's a mullet, for ice skaters). He starts out with this really horrible voice over about how this was Clara's favorite Christmas, and we were going to see magic, and then he cracked me up by almost slipping when he skated exit left.

So then a young Oksana Baiul took a break from drunk driving and skated onto the ice, and I was momentarily entranced by that crazy ball of curls that sits on top of her forehead. Entranced, that is, until she started dancing with the Nutcracker, who fell not once, but twice. Bam. Hooked. I don't like trainwrecks, because they make me sad, but early-nineties ice skating superstars falling all over themselves in spangly outfits? I'm in.

The mice were maybe my favorite part, because they were dressed like Liza Minelli in a cat costume. What's not to love??

All snark aside, the part where the snowflakes dance is always my favorite scene in The Nutcracker. It's beautiful, and I hope that song is playing on Heaven's Bose when I die. I don't have a strong opinion about the way it was performed on this show. I just like the song a lot.

Then Viktor comes back from commercial and that stupid voiceover starts up again, and I remember where I am. The Sugar Plum Fairy sequence that immediately follows is like a nail in the coffin for this production. She starts dancing around with these weird cake things that I searched EVERYWHERE for on the internet, because they look like Southern bridesmaids dresses, but like, CAKE. I need someone to get me one of those screen capture things for Christmas, because I am SO SAD you are missing out on what I'm talking about here. If I'm ever feeling down in the dumps, somebody just needs to show me a picture of these skating cakes, and all will be right with the world again.

Mostly, the rest of the show is what you would expect from a 1994 ice-skating show about a dancing doll and a creepy uncle. The music put me in a better mood for Christmas, and every time someone fell or tripped or missed a jump, my heart smiled (is there something wrong with me???), but I think you are better off skipping this one. The Macaulay Culkin Nutcracker, on the other hand, rocks my socks.


diane said...

I HATED the Nutcracker Ballet. I would rather negotiate peace in the middle East while wearing a rosary and a yarmulka, chanting hindi verses and carrying the Koran. That's how boring Nutcracker is. Throw in the ice skaters and you would be visiting me at the state psych hospital.

mrsmouthy said...

Hey, at least you were watching Stars on Ice like I did last year--it was so depressing I cried for days afterwards.

Anonymous said...

I watched that the other day too and I was like what's up with the girl with the 90's hair? Than I realized it was Oksana and than I was like ok I am really Bored now and switched channels.

Renee said...

Diane, you're not the only one who hates the Nutcracker. Even back in Tchai's day (I don't know how to spell Tchaicovsky), the people HATED this thing. Mostly, I just really like the music in two parts. Not liking ice skating though? I just can't get down with that.

Rachel, Stars on Ice makes me laugh, because of the way that bald guy says "Smuckers".

Anonymous. that's why I call watching this crap a service. See, now you know that if it comes on TV again, wait for the weird cake dresses, and THEN feel free to change the channel.

Luann said...

So did you watch in the glow of your Christmas tree lights? Another idea for getting in the holiday spirit: Listen to Christmas music while blogging. In fact, turn on the local Christmas music radio station on all day and count: how many versions of O Holy Night you here; how many times Bing Crosby or Frank Sinatra is heard singing any number of classic; how many time Neil Diamond is hear singing "So this is Christmas" and I hope that song annoys you as much as it does me...Christmas music is fun.