Thursday, December 4, 2008

Christmas on Chestnut Street

This movie was on Lifetime, and stars nobody-you've-ever-heard-of-or-will-hear-from-again, so you know it's going to be awesomely bad.

Basic premise is that a guy working in a big box store accidentally orders too many lights, so his friend and fellow employee, The Nice Guy, Mr. Boyd, devises a plan to get him off the hook. He figures on holding a town-wide contest for biggest and best Christmas light display, in exchange for a shopping spree. His boss, Mr. Crouch, and the boss' daughter love the idea, because they have dollar signs for eyes.

It's a Christmas movie, so somebody with innocence and faith has to be dying or disabled. Boyd's dad fits the bill, because he has Alzheimer's, which allows him to say things like, "If there really was a Santa Claus, we'd all be a lot happier about things." And we're all supposed to go, "Aww, the naive wisdom of dementia...." I wonder if something he will say or do something later on will help everyone find the true meaning of Christmas. Hmmmmmmmmmmm.

There's an awesomely bad cast of characters that make up the town of Pine Nut, and all four of them (because there are like, four people in this whole town?) decorate their home in hopes of winning the contest. We get a French neighbor who hires a professional designer and goes with a candy theme, an idiot "All-American" neighbor who decorates with a winter theme, a Jewish accountant (seriously????) puts up a giant menorah and Star of David (seriOUSLY?!??!), and Mr. Boyd is forced by Ms. Crouch to decorate with a Santa display that's supposed to guarantee a win (they've hired midgets to walk around the yard) (uh.....creeeeeeeepy), so that the shopping spree ends up in the store's favor.

It gets ugly, and I think there's even a slow-motion fight scene (with light-hearted Christmas "music" (sort of like Deck the Halls on an untuned keyboard)). And then Ms. Crouch and Mr. Boyd fall for each other, because of COURSE.

Ms. Crouch sees the error of her ways, but not before wearing shoulder pads and strategizing and wearing her hair in a tight bun, and walking around while the soundtrack goes, "boomBahboomBahbooombombmmbm" while she talks about how together her life is, and how important money and order and The Numbers are.

Mr. Boyd is all, "But what about the people..... wah wah wah whine wah" and I think we, as the audience are supposed to like him, but I'm kind of not getting why he doesn't button his top button. Eww. Dork chest hair. He plays jazz trumpet, too. Again, not gaining any points with me.

The story had so many things going on, I sort of forgot the point, and I still don't get why it's called "Christmas on Chestnut Street" because it's supposed to be a town thing, not a street thing. Whatever. Boyd's Alzheimer'd dad gets upset because Christmas is the only thing he still remembers, and the Santa display in his yard is ruining it. So Mr. Boyd pull the Santa thing. And then the romance fizzles, but I forget, but it doesn't really matter. In the end, everyone's decorations get out of hand, and it all overloads the power supply, which cuts out all the lights, so it looks like nobody is going to win, but then the Boyd house DOES have lights, because Mr. Boyd and his senile father set up a nativity set with candlelight, and everyone sees the error of their ways. And the romance between Boyd and Crouch is back on, and I forget why, but again, it REALLY doesn't matter.

Best part of the movie? Ms. Crouch is wearing a hat in the last scene with a giant holly berry thing on it, and it looks like a growth. Awesome.

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