Sunday, December 7, 2008

Don't Bother Watching:

I sat through the following movies this weekend, so that you don't have to:

Noel - It stars Susan Sarandon, Penelope Cruz, and Robin Williams. I shouldn't have to say anymore, but I will. There are story-lines that almost play out word for word with Love Actually, and even though Love, Actually is one of my favorite movies, this one is just not even remotely watchable. Just Watch Love, Actually instead.

If You Believe - This is about an uptight book editor who is visited by her inner child. The Cheerleader from Heroes is in this. She's tiny, and super creepy. Just watch The Kid (that Disney Bruce Willis movie) instead.

Under the Mistletoe - This guy dies on Christmas Eve, his son can still see him, the wife can't move on. The dead father and his kid set up his wife with a good-looking gent, so she can live happily ever after. Just watch Ghost Dad instead.

Christmas Everyday - A kid has to relive Christmas over and over until he gets it right. This one isn't "horrible" or anything, but I think you should just watch Groundhog Day instead, because Bill Murray is awesome.

On the 2nd Day of Christmas - It stars Mary-Stuart Masterson and a very yound Mark Ruffalo (who I like, but not in this). It's SO (with a lot of o's) boring. Something about a pickpocket and her niece and it's Christmas and a security guard falls for Idgie, and it's just so, so dumb. Just watch ANYTHING that is not this movie instead.

Bethlehem Year Zero - I wouldn't call this a movie, really. It was on TBN, and it's Fake News, set in the time of Jesus' birth. Oh my gosh, it was so boring, I nearly fell through the couch. Just watch BBC World News instead, if you're into that sort of thing.

The Road To Christmas - This is about a woman who has to find her way to her wedding, by hitchhiking across the country with a sweet widower and his daughter. The first half-hour is just a bunch of bad jokes about Italian people and how they are womanizers. It stars Jennifer Grey (Dirty Dancing), post-nose-job. Maybe worth watching, just to hear this exchange:
Jennifer Grey: Not all Italians are womanizers. That's like saying all black people like watermelon.
Black Girl: I do like watermelon.
Whoh, wait, what? Are you kidding me with this crap writing??!? Just watch Mary Kate & Ashley To Grandmother's House We Go instead. You know it's serious when I'm suggesting Olson Twins.

No comments: