As Rachel surmised, I haven't slept very well the past couple of nights, going from one decision to the next. My friend Sarah pointed out that sometimes it would be awesome if we weren't given choices. That we just had to go with what was being served. I completely agree.
I totally get that my problem is not like a REAL problem. I'm not having to choose which one of my kids will live and which will be handed over to the Nazis, or whether or not I have to deny my faith in exchange for a loaf of bread. I'm deciding whether or not to use the awesomely free state program to gain further independence, or stay home with my adorable kids and do stuff like paint and play with dolls. I'm pretty sure this doesn't count as a catastrophe.
I called my VR counselor and she suggested that there might be another option. I could have someone from the state come out to my house and teach me some independent living skills and cane training. Then I'd have to go into Phoenix every so often and get some computer training. Instead of being able to go to college, however, so that I could obtain a master's degree in a career I'd love, I would have to take a job where I work from home doing something like outbound collections. I wouldn't get to work with the people I connected with at the Foundation for Blind Children, and I wouldn't benefit from their approach to learning that I connected so well with.
In an economy like this one, I feel REALLY stupid about complaining about the kind of job someone would help me get. Especially a job in which I'd be able to be home with my kids all day still. Also, "I don't like this lady as much as that lady" feels incredibly petty. I pretty much feel like a loser for being disappointed in this option.
I explained it like this: In one option, I can have Steak. Yum, Steak. Only it's rare. And it's really hard for me to eat a rare steak. In another option I'm getting a BLT with the works. Except there's a really good chance the bacon is going to be soggy. And in the third option, I'm getting a Baked Potato with the works, but really "the works" just means they'll put cheese and a couple of chives on it.
The truth is that, right now, I don't know what I want. But it does make me hungry thinking about it.
But, I'm thankful that I get to make a decision like this. And I'm glad I have the friends and family that I have, because I haven't once heard someone say out loud what an entitled schmuck I'm being about all of this. Thanks for all of the advice and support. You guys are like the side of deliciously salty french fries that come with every meal.