Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Finding My Place

I went to a place called the Foundation for Blind Children on Monday. I got a lot out of it. I feel like that's where I'm supposed to be. I'm frustrated that I have to be put on a waiting list to get into their adult program, but I'm feeling good about my decision. I saw other great places, but so far, this is the only place I've seen that understands my needs. I also meshed well with the people there. They were blunt, and honest, which isn't something everyone likes, but I feel like when it comes from smart people, I'm open to it. The tech guy didn't scoff at the idea of learning to use a Mac, and the skills girl didn't look at me like I was crazy when I asked her if she would show me how to change a diaper without sight. These sound like simple things, but they meant a world of difference to me. They seemed to be willing to learn as much as they were willing to teach. I am impressed.

I am losing more sight, and I can tell as the months pass that I'm seeing much less than I used to. I don't even like reading or going on the computer. I've lost the desire to watch very much TV, and I've kept it to the important stuff (you know, like Vampire Diaries). I am losing color, and even though I never liked to shop, I'm actually finding it HARD to shop. It's sort of embarrassing now. I go in to pick out a black cardigan, and I carry it through the store, and I get to the register and I realize it's blue. And I don't need blue. This shouldn't bother me, but it does. I don't like losing the little sight I have. It makes me anxious.

I want to get started with my training. I just want to get out there. Eric's parents bought us tickets to a Vegas show, and I'm insanely excited about going, but I am scared that by the time we go, I will have lost even more sight. It's really feeling like a race against time. And I don't like racing. I think if I got mobility training and learned the life skills I need and how not to lose the things I love, I wouldn't even care about losing my sight. It'd be like, "Oh I am getting older and now I have a few gray hairs, oh and also I'm totally blind." And then I would shrug my shoulders and kiss my husband and hug my kids and say something rude about the last girl to get kicked off the Bachelor, and I'd be on my way.

To be able to do that, and not lose myself in the process? I feel like that's worth the wait.


Lindsay said...

i have a friend who works there as a preschool teacher. her name is jill hildwine. let me know if you'd like me to get you in touch with her. i have no idea if it would do any good, but just let me know.

Becky said...

As you know, I can relate to your journey. Sending love to you and hope our paths cross one of these days!

Michelle said...

I can't even imagine dealing with all of that! Knowing that you wouldn't be able to see (with your eyes) your kids all grown up, or even knowing when your sight would be gone.

You are so amazing!

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