I don't care so much that I'm losing my sight. There are things I will miss seeing, and I have to admit, I prefer The Easy Way in all aspects of life, which blindness does not fall under the category of, but I'm infinitely more annoyed by the PROCESS of losing my sight, than the ACTUALITY of darkness.
I wish I could just fast forward to the part where I'm capable, and blindness is merely a characteristic. It doesn't even have to be an unfortunate characteristic. Blindness could be really cool, if I could just learn how it is that I'm supposed to be dealing with it.
Today I called my designated Center for the Blind. The woman I spoke with was annoyed that I lived outside of the city. She told me to call The State. I told her I did, and they told me to call her. She was really put off by that. I swallowed a lump in my throat and admitted I had nowhere else to turn. She took too long to respond with an unconvincing, "*sigh* Well, that's fine. You can come here."
Oh really, woman? I CAAAAN???? Oh THAAAANK You. I'm so GRAAATEFUL that I can come there, to your oh-so-exclusive establishment, and allow you to counsel me through my most desperate, vulnerable moments of my life. I can't WAIT to get started.
She gave me one time slot, on one day, that I can come for the intake interview. There would be no other times offered or considered. It's not her fault I don't live down the street, childless, and already independent (pssst, hey, isn't the mobility and independence what you're supposed to be helping me out with in the first place?? So assuming I already have it would be... just fun times for you? or what, exactly?).
She isn't making promises. There are no guarantees that she will help me. I really should be going through the state. You know, if I was just not going blind altogether, it would really help her day go a lot easier.
She's not the first person to make me feel like a burden. I know that once I get the assistance I need, this won't be such a problem. I'll be more confident, and I'll know what I need to ask for. Until then, it'd be awesome if the professionals in charge of helping newly blind people cope with the loss of sight would learn patience with the process, and also maybe take their midol.
I've made a decision of my life though. I'm sick of depending on The Systems Already in Place to guide me through this. I'm pretty sure nobody else is going to be feeling the urgency I feel to get my life restarted. So I'm buying a cane. And I'm going to teach myself how to use it. And I'm going to research the hell out of coping with blindness, physically, socially, emotionally, and I am going to be my own Center.
(Feel free to offer your support and encouragement at any time... holy crap what am I doing??)