Sunday, June 7, 2009

Stages 1 & 2

1. Denial:  usually only a temporary defense.  Generally replaced with heightened awareness of situations and people that will be left behind.  (From wikipedia, the ultimate source of all things accurate and true)

CHECK!  When I was first diagnosed with Retinitis Pigmentosa, I told myself I would be smart about it, and get things taken care of.  I would meet this head on, and be supportive of others with it, and educate the world, and think of a really cool color for our ribbon, blah blah blah.  Then I deleted my blog about having RP, and I totally avoided getting cane training or anything else that might help me, you know, DEAL WITH IT.  I even considered putting my glasses away.  Seriously.  Denial, you sneaky bastard, I didn't even see you coming!  (har har)

Denial was, for the most part, replaced with the awareness of what I am going to be missing out on once my sight is completely gone.  My kids faces - I study them tirelessly.  As they get older, I hope to be able to fill in the blanks.  Someday I will be able to make a creepy bust like in the Lionel Ritchie video.  I also think a lot about the places I will never see.  And how this house will probably be the last one I live in that I know the true color of the walls.  Heightened Acceptance, you too, are kind of a bastard.  

I am almost entirely out of this stage.  I am starting to recognize what needs to be done.  Which brings me to

2.  Anger:  Once in this stage, the individual realizes denial cannot continue.  Due to anger, the person becomes difficult to care for, due to misplaced feelings of rage and envy.  Any individual that symbolizes life or energy is subject to projected jealousy and resentment.  

Yeah, okay, I'm there.  I'm owning that I'm there.  I'm really pretty damn pissed at RP, and kind of want to punch it in the throat, but even worse, I'm angry at everyone who doesn't have it.  Yes, even you.  I'm mad at you.  

I won't punch you in the throat.  I ran into a wall and got a bloody nose.  So I kicked the wall.  Hard.  I just ended up hurting my foot.  I'm sane enough to realize that walking around punching people in the throat is really only going to hurt me.  Especially because my aim is bound to be off, and I'll probably catch your shoulder or the brick wall behind you.  I don't need that.  And I don't need a bunch of people mad at me for being mad.  because the next stage is Bargaining, and I gotta have at least one person around to trade his or her eyesight for my ability to tan easily.  

I sometimes get inspirational e-mails or people with cheery dispositions who tell me that it could be worse, and that I am lucky for the Breath of Life, and a positive attitude will get me through anything.  

Guess what Cat?  I can see your Cat Privates.

Knowing that I don't want to hear how this too will pass, I fear for those of you brave enough to leave comments.  Nobody wants to be around the person in this stage.  I get that.  I don't blame you.  How about I let you know when God accepts my offer to give me just fifty more years of sight?  I should be good then.  


Scarlet said...

If RP was walking down the street I would kick their cane out from underneath them and make them fall down on your behalf. And since I am not very Pollyannaish I will avoid all happy kitten encouragements.

Renee said...

haha, thanks Scarlet. I love that I actually think you'd do it too.

witticism here said...

I am actually going to set my snarkiness aside for thirty seconds. How long before your sight is completely gone? Renee sometimes I can be really immature in situations like these, either I ignore the situation altogether or I make irreverant jokes (I know the latter is very shocking). If I ever do too much of either, please poke me in the ribs.

dude said...

I'd walk right in to RP's office and say, "Listen, I'm not going to jail for you or anybody!"

Anonymous said...

Oh man, after my post about "what not to say" I'm afraid to say anything to you because I'm pretty sure it will just show you how RP Illiterate I am. I'll just join you in the angry stage because it TOTALLY SUCKS THAT YOU HAVE TO LIVE WITH THIS, and also to live with the fear of it which, I think, are two different things. I hate that bad things happen to good people and vice versa.

diane said...

I totally tried to see the Cat Privates.

Sarah Beau Bera said...

Renee, I could use a tan.

Renee said...

Keiko, You're perfect. However you react, However ANYONE reacts is perfect. It's the way I respond that makes the difference. Don't second guess yourself around me. (By the way, I don't know how long I have til sight is totally gone. could be 2 years, could be 50. It's crap)

Dude, if you stab RP in the dead of winter, you should wait for the smoke to rise.

Mrs Mouthy, I love the vice versa part of that.

Diane, I couldn't really see the cat privates. I just figured that'd make the Cat feel dumb enough to let go. It's Psychology, which means it's really really smart.

Sarah, I just watched a Twilight Zone episode that makes me think this could somehow work in both our favors. Just a couple more degrees in my field of vision, and you'll get a nice peachy tone. If you want bronze JLo Glow, I'll just have to throw in the name of my eye doctor.

Cassandra said...

I'm only good at listening. So instead of sticking my foot in my mouth while trying to type something encouraging, I'll just say that I can't stand those cutesy posters or cards with the animals on them. It's just not natural.

Alexa said...

i want to be around at any stage you're at with all of this. denial, anger, all the rest of the three, whatever. i'm angry with you. it's *not* fair, and i'm so sorry.
also, i hate inspirational posters.

Alexa said...

i want to be around at any stage you're at with all of this. denial, anger, all the rest of the three, whatever. i'm angry with you. it's *not* fair, and i'm so sorry.
also, i hate inspirational posters.