Sunday, February 8, 2009

How To Negotiate Closing Costs Like a Pro

US: Hi, we love this house more than anything. Can you take care of closing costs?

SELLING AGENT: No.

US: Okay.

(Two weeks later)

US: Hi. Us again. We're back, which means we can't get this house out of our head. Can you take care of closing costs?

SA: No.

US: Okay. Let's look at the house anyway. Hmmm it looks like we'll need to buy (closingcosts) ceiling fans. That's going to cost (closingcosts) money. Also, did you notice there was no (closingcosts) garage door opener? Too bad. (closingcosts).

SA: No. I mean, wait, what?

US: Closing costs?

SA: No.

US: Okay. We're just going to talk about this house as though we're comparing it to some imaginary house we have no intention of buying. Closing costs?

SA: No.

US: Roll closing costs into mortgage?

SA: Maybe. Some.

US: All?

SA: No.

US: Closing costs?

SA: No.

US: Okay, well we're going to go look at the other house we're totally making up and have no intention of buying. Smell ya later. Closing costs?

SA: No.

US: Okay, we're really going to go (not really). We're leaving RIGHT now.... To look at another house (not a real house).... I'm pointing my foot toward the car (or the fridge)... It's a shame about those closing costs...

SA: No.

US: Okay, we're really going to go now. Did we mention we're blind? And you said something earlier about "At least we have our sight" without knowing I was blind? Don't you feel bad now? Closing costs?

SA: Um, yes. But no.

(We leave, and actually go see a house we have no intention of buying, because we know we're such bad liars, we couldn't not go see it. And karma or something)

US: Hi, we're back. Closing costs?

SA: No.

US: Closing costs rolled into mortgage?

SA: Some.

US: Cool. We'll sign papers. But first, we're going to Target.

(We go to Target)

US; Hi. Back.

(Sign some papers, but not all)

SA: Oh look, I got this magic e-mail from the people above, and they magically said they would just magically pay most of your closing costs so you don't have to roll it into your mortgage. How magical.

US: Cool. All?

SA: No, some. Most.

US: Cool.


So, that's how to negotiate closing costs. Also, we're total idiots so probably don't do anything like we did. It was basically the equivalent of this classic Simpsons moment:

Bart and Lisa: Before you answer, remember, a no will result in months of...can we have a pool dad?can we have a pool dad?can we have a pool dad?can we have a pool dad?can we have a pool dad?can we have a pool dad?can we have a pool dad?can we have a pool dad?can we have a pool dad?can we have a pool dad?can we have a pool dad?can we have a pool dad?can we have a pool dad?can we have a pool dad?...

Homer: i see, let us celebrate our new agreement with the adding of chocolate to milk.

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Just so you know, we're not sure about buying the house yet. Nothing set in stone. Don't get excited. And don't tell me I should have been able to get all of our closing costs paid. That will make me hate you. Again, no house yet. Just talking.

(*SQUEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!)

Ahem. Yeah. Nothing to get too excited about yet.

5 comments:

diane said...

You are both BRILLIANT; I am quite proud. You negotiate better than William Shatner. And you're way hotter.

Meghan Whaley said...

That was brilliant. Totally worth staying in bed until almost noon to read. Thank you!

Kristin said...

I am totally gearing up for a 'Nay and 'Ric HOUSE PARRRTAAYYYY! On a totally random note, where does this "Squee" thing come from. It suddenly started appearing everywhere about a year ago, and I have no idea what the origin of this is? Please do tell!

mrsmouthy said...

I'll be excited for your house if you'll be excited for my baby. Deal?

Jillsywillsy said...

I am so bringing you with me next time I buy a car, house .....whatever.