I am going to a rock show tomorrow night. I haven't been to one in over five years. I'm terrified.
Also, I haven't been away from H- for longer than an hour. I'm terrified.
Also, I haven't been to the state fair in over ten years. I'm Terrified.
I feel like tomorrow is going to be one big perfect storm for me, and I'm pretty sure I should put a paper bag in my back pocket in case I hyperventilate. Dark, crowds, scary Phoenix, H- at bedtime without me to nurse him to sleep (you guys, he's never taken a bottle), and a loud atmosphere in which my severe panic attack could likely go unnoticed, or worse, be mistaken for bad dancing.
So I keep asking myself, "Why on earth would I spend $50 I don't have to see a band I've seen live more times than I can count, and in much better venues, with MUCH more eyesight, and much younger bones, and much much less children to worry about, when I could just stay at home and be panic-free?
"Why should I sit in the back of a coliseum shoulder-to-shoulder with a bunch of young kids and aging hipsters, uncomfortable and tired, and thoroughly dreading the walk out to the fair parking lot at midnight where rats are smorgasbording, carnies are counting their change (and probably fornicating, because that's what I imagine carnies like best after a night of spitting in cotton candy and blowing snot into nachos), and criminals are preying on unsuspecting fair patrons, disoriented by sugar rushes and tilt-a-whirls?
"Why should I put my eardrums in jeopardy again, apparently going balls out for the life of Helen Keller, and meanwhile give my baby what will surely be the most anxiety-filled, uncomfortable night to date in his short, mommy-filled life, while a bunch of geeks sweat onstage, singing songs that will never be as good as the ones from their second album?
"Why should I drag myself out of my nice, warm house, into the cold October air, and miss my shows, and risk catching a cold or flu, when I could be curled up on the couch with a blanket on my lap, my children playing quietly at my feet, some Lawrence Welk on the PBS, and nobody trying to pickpocket me or assault me or dance like a damn fool around me."
Why? Why you ask? Because I'm rock 'n roll, that's why.