Saturday, August 23, 2008

Take Me Out To The Ballgame, indeed.

Eric and I discussed going to Yankee Stadium for about twenty seconds before he said, "The only thing is, I would NEVER bring kids there".

I didn't really understand what he was talking about. I imagined Yankee Stadium filled with six-year-old boys, baseball caps slightly off to the side, box of cracker jacks in one hand, dad's broken-in mitt clutched in the other, tattered raglan jersey with grass stains from the last game of stickball, chewing gum taking the place of chaw, dad by his son's side, proudly giving him lessons on when to steal third while he talked too much with his hands, as New Yorkers tend to do...

The bleacher seats were for kids who cut class to go see their favorite player, imagining themselves out there on the field in ten years, yelling at their buddy Gino to stop dropping his popcorn on the floor and show some respect for the House That Ruth Built. Oh New York. You're just so cute, with your superstitions, and the way you treat your stadium like hallowed ground. I promise, I'll pick up my popcorn when I leave. Oh, you.

Then I googled to see what Eric was talking about with his No Kids rules, silly ol' dad, so afraid of the Big City. It can't be that bad. Bloomberg said it's never been safer. Er, right?

Yeah, so according to The Internet, Yankee Stadium, especially the bleachers, is no place for families. Or women. Or out-of-towners. Or guys not looking for a fight. Or guys not looking for a fight who can actually win in a fight who have really good insurance plans and bones that heal quickly.

I'm sure they exaggerate. And still, I'm terrified of the place. According to one message board, rape threats and promises of torture are pretty much par for the course. Considering NOT standing for the seventh-inning stretch? Expect to request a security escort as you duck out during the 8th inning. Oh yeah, and did I mention kids are not appreciated? They're referred to on one message board as "rats". Not to be confused with real rats, who can sense danger and therefore know better than to leave the safety of the dugouts, thank you very much.

So Yankee Stadium is a No from me, at least as a family outing. I guess if we wanted to go to New York, I'd be okay with Eric going to a game by himself, as long as the Yankees were playing someone they knew that could beat, but not beat too hard, and Eric was wearing something completely neutral, but not so neutral that he looked apathetic, and he got there right before the game started, and left the minute it ended, and maybe took an invisibility pill or something, just in case.

As for me, I'll just be in the hotel room, hiding under the bed, and hoping that Yankees fans don't read Mommy Blogs. Go Yankees?


Ern said...

Eric is sooo on the what's what of Yankee Stadium. As a naïve Arizonan, my naivete would dangerously lead me to believe that the ballgame is a family affair. And they built a new stadium, right? Wouldn't all of the buzz of the new place attract some family peeps? So scary. My imaginary family and I will never go there. I will stick to BOB in AZ.

mrsmouthy said...

You are such a riot! If Eric does go to a game, you might want to check out this website Under an invisibility cloak he could support whatever team he wanted--and also avoid being raped.

LiteralDan said...

Boo Yankees! Go White Sox!

Not that I plan to rape anyone over them.

Renee said...

Eric, would you rape someone over the D-Backs? That's one of those questions we forgot to ask before exchanging vows, and I'm pretty sure my blog is the perfect place to discuss this.