More Christmas Movies

Wow, Christmas movie OVERLOAD today.

First was called Comfort and Joy. It was a lot like The Family Man with Nicholas Cage. I actually kind of liked it. A woman with a lucrative career gets in an accident and wakes up from it ten years in the future, finding out she has a husband and two kids, which she always said she never wanted, and because it's a Christmas movie, she discovers that's what she's always wanted. I admit that I cried when her kid helped the dying homeless man eat his free Christmas dinner at the shelter. But I think I'm going to start my period, so I don't know if it counts. I'd watch it again next year, if it's on, but I'm not going to make it a tradition or anything.

Then I watched The Night Before Christmas: A Mouse Story on Cartoon Network, Holy crap, people, this movie was BaaaaAAAAD. My brain just shut off entirely halfway through. It was like, "Um, no Renee." So I don't really know how to describe it, other than to say it was sort of about mice and sort of about that poem. There was rapping. By cats. What the heck?? At one point I zoned back into the movie and we were looking at Mary singing to Baby Jesus the song Silent Night, and I thought it was hilarious that she referred to her virginity in a lullaby to her son. I totally don't "get" this movie.

Then we watched The Santa Clause, which I honestly kind of like. Tim Allen is kind of annoying, but the premise of this movie is cute. Or maybe I just drank the Disney kool-aid. What of it? The Santa Clause 2 is watchable, but The Santa Clause 3 is a crapfest. My favorite thing about The Santa Clause is Bernard the Elf. I don't think he's cute or anything. At least, I don't think I do. He's just inexplicably my favorite.

Christmas on Chestnut Street

This movie was on Lifetime, and stars nobody-you've-ever-heard-of-or-will-hear-from-again, so you know it's going to be awesomely bad.

Basic premise is that a guy working in a big box store accidentally orders too many lights, so his friend and fellow employee, The Nice Guy, Mr. Boyd, devises a plan to get him off the hook. He figures on holding a town-wide contest for biggest and best Christmas light display, in exchange for a shopping spree. His boss, Mr. Crouch, and the boss' daughter love the idea, because they have dollar signs for eyes.

It's a Christmas movie, so somebody with innocence and faith has to be dying or disabled. Boyd's dad fits the bill, because he has Alzheimer's, which allows him to say things like, "If there really was a Santa Claus, we'd all be a lot happier about things." And we're all supposed to go, "Aww, the naive wisdom of dementia...." I wonder if something he will say or do something later on will help everyone find the true meaning of Christmas. Hmmmmmmmmmmm.

There's an awesomely bad cast of characters that make up the town of Pine Nut, and all four of them (because there are like, four people in this whole town?) decorate their home in hopes of winning the contest. We get a French neighbor who hires a professional designer and goes with a candy theme, an idiot "All-American" neighbor who decorates with a winter theme, a Jewish accountant (seriously????) puts up a giant menorah and Star of David (seriOUSLY?!??!), and Mr. Boyd is forced by Ms. Crouch to decorate with a Santa display that's supposed to guarantee a win (they've hired midgets to walk around the yard) (uh.....creeeeeeeepy), so that the shopping spree ends up in the store's favor.

It gets ugly, and I think there's even a slow-motion fight scene (with light-hearted Christmas "music" (sort of like Deck the Halls on an untuned keyboard)). And then Ms. Crouch and Mr. Boyd fall for each other, because of COURSE.

Ms. Crouch sees the error of her ways, but not before wearing shoulder pads and strategizing and wearing her hair in a tight bun, and walking around while the soundtrack goes, "boomBahboomBahbooombombmmbm" while she talks about how together her life is, and how important money and order and The Numbers are.

Mr. Boyd is all, "But what about the people..... wah wah wah whine wah" and I think we, as the audience are supposed to like him, but I'm kind of not getting why he doesn't button his top button. Eww. Dork chest hair. He plays jazz trumpet, too. Again, not gaining any points with me.

The story had so many things going on, I sort of forgot the point, and I still don't get why it's called "Christmas on Chestnut Street" because it's supposed to be a town thing, not a street thing. Whatever. Boyd's Alzheimer'd dad gets upset because Christmas is the only thing he still remembers, and the Santa display in his yard is ruining it. So Mr. Boyd pull the Santa thing. And then the romance fizzles, but I forget, but it doesn't really matter. In the end, everyone's decorations get out of hand, and it all overloads the power supply, which cuts out all the lights, so it looks like nobody is going to win, but then the Boyd house DOES have lights, because Mr. Boyd and his senile father set up a nativity set with candlelight, and everyone sees the error of their ways. And the romance between Boyd and Crouch is back on, and I forget why, but again, it REALLY doesn't matter.

Best part of the movie? Ms. Crouch is wearing a hat in the last scene with a giant holly berry thing on it, and it looks like a growth. Awesome.

Nutcracker on Ice

This is the first Holiday thing my Tivo recorded for me. Not a movie. Laaaaaaaaaaaame.

I watched it anyway, because I'm terribly uncool, and actually enjoy ice skating. Also, I really like The Nutcracker ballet, as does Lennon, so I don't really know why I was disappointed when I saw it sitting in my Now Playing queue. Maybe I'm psychic.

Let's start with Viktor Petrenko and his skullet (that's a mullet, for ice skaters). He starts out with this really horrible voice over about how this was Clara's favorite Christmas, and we were going to see magic, and then he cracked me up by almost slipping when he skated exit left.

So then a young Oksana Baiul took a break from drunk driving and skated onto the ice, and I was momentarily entranced by that crazy ball of curls that sits on top of her forehead. Entranced, that is, until she started dancing with the Nutcracker, who fell not once, but twice. Bam. Hooked. I don't like trainwrecks, because they make me sad, but early-nineties ice skating superstars falling all over themselves in spangly outfits? I'm in.

The mice were maybe my favorite part, because they were dressed like Liza Minelli in a cat costume. What's not to love??

All snark aside, the part where the snowflakes dance is always my favorite scene in The Nutcracker. It's beautiful, and I hope that song is playing on Heaven's Bose when I die. I don't have a strong opinion about the way it was performed on this show. I just like the song a lot.

Then Viktor comes back from commercial and that stupid voiceover starts up again, and I remember where I am. The Sugar Plum Fairy sequence that immediately follows is like a nail in the coffin for this production. She starts dancing around with these weird cake things that I searched EVERYWHERE for on the internet, because they look like Southern bridesmaids dresses, but like, CAKE. I need someone to get me one of those screen capture things for Christmas, because I am SO SAD you are missing out on what I'm talking about here. If I'm ever feeling down in the dumps, somebody just needs to show me a picture of these skating cakes, and all will be right with the world again.

Mostly, the rest of the show is what you would expect from a 1994 ice-skating show about a dancing doll and a creepy uncle. The music put me in a better mood for Christmas, and every time someone fell or tripped or missed a jump, my heart smiled (is there something wrong with me???), but I think you are better off skipping this one. The Macaulay Culkin Nutcracker, on the other hand, rocks my socks.