I wish I hadn't gone to the school for the blind. There, I said it. It wasn't the wrong place, it was the wrong time. I am blind, from a legal standpoint, but the things I learned were for people who don't have any sight. None-none. I'll be there someday, but knowing what lies ahead has only tired me out. Knowing that I will have to live with my sense of touch, hearing, taste, and smell, has only made me hold on tighter to relying on my sense of sight, because, after all, it won't be there forever, so I should appreciate it while I can. Or at least, that's what I think I've been telling myself, in order to get myself to keep walking.
I am obsessed with things I can see. My kids faces. I look at them like it's my last time, every time. You might think it's sweet, or inspirational. It's not. It's morbid. I gain inspiration from beautiful skies. I define beauty with my eyes. I am holding tight to a rope that isn't attached to anything on the other end.
I don't want to know Braille yet. Learning takes a lot of practice. I was committed to at least ten minutes a day, until I realized that those ten minutes could be spent reading with my eyes. That felt like it made more sense. I'd spend those ten minutes on braille when my eyes no longer felt like interfering with their ease and vast superiority.
I don't want to organize my closet, or label my cans, or rely on a talking clock. I don't like turning on the assistive technology on my computer, even when I know I need it. I'd rather squint, and deal with the headaches, and maybe miss a few things, than admit that there is an end to my sight, later on down the road.
I signed up for educating and empowering myself because I wanted the prize at the end. I wanted the world to be my oyster, and I wanted to prove that blindness wasn't going to be the end of my story. I wanted to be the strongest and the best that I could be, because that's what people expect, if you're ever going to get on Oprah. But I didn't keep walking because I am excited for that life. I kept walking because I'm afraid of death. I am a coward. And I am doing it wrong.
I don't have any competition, except my own self. So how do I do this? If you're further along down the road, I could use a few pointers right now. I'm losing pace.