Monday, January 17, 2011

Good Mourning

My aunt passed away last week. I don't want to eulogize her here, because a blog post wouldn't do her justice. Suffice it to say, I miss her.

Funerals always get people thinking about stuff though. Death, Life, Meaning, Purpose,How You're Going To Wear Your Hair When You're Old... It's all wrapped up in a couple of weekends, where we all eat our feelings. My feelings amount to approximately 17 tortillas, a pound of rice, and around 2-1/2 boxes of chocolate chip cookies. (I should run more.)

I've thought a lot about how I'm hoping my own funeral will go. I'd like everyone to meet in a church or if my backyard is pretty, that works too, and I'd like for Eric to not have to do anything but sit there and let people comfort him. I'd like it if everyone sang a hymn, but I'd require that those who sing well not show off by warbling or adding extra notes. It's just "Nearer My God To Thee" not Mariah Carey's latest single. Pretend God is there, judging your humility. I know I'll be.

Don't tell stories about how I sneezed on the 7-layer dip or licked the salt off the Fritos. I was 6. We all know that story. It's not even half as relevant as the time I cried because I was going to say my sister looked like a cow, and my mom interrupted and made it sound like I looked like a cow instead. Don't tell that story either.

Don't let somebody who doesn't know me lead the service. I don't want any preachers or bishops speculating that I was easygoing and never said an unkind word. This will just make my friends and family clear their throat and thumb uncomfortably through the hymn book. I said stupid stuff, and I worried too much. Say that, but then also talk about how funny I was, and how much I loved my kids.

Play some Beatles music. Not "Within You Without You". That's a dumb song. And "Why Don't We Do It In The Road" just doesn't seem appropriate. Use your judgement, is what I'm saying. If I die at the age of 63, and you play "When I'm 64", you're going to make Eric cry. It would be a laugh-cry, but a cry just the same.

I like tulips. If I had had a wedding, I would have carried yellow tulips in a bouquet.

I never had a wedding. Maybe you should also have cake? I wouldn't have smashed it into Eric's face at the reception, so no need to recreate that moment with elaborate wires and body propping. In fact, why is my body there in the first place?? It should be donated to science or not yet recovered from the avalanche. You guys have really messed this up. This is the dumbest funeral ever. Wedding cake? For goodness...

Here's what you do: Get everyone out of the church, and go to Disneyland. You can listen to the Beatles on your way there. When you get there, you eat a churro in my honor, and then you run like hell to the Indiana Jones ride, because that line fills up fast. Get a fast pass to Big Thunder Mountain on your way there. Have fun, and think of me a couple of times, but not so much that you're crying during It's A Small World. That ride doesn't need to get any creepier.

6 comments:

The Wizzle said...

I love you. I think about my own funeral all the time.

And I hate funerals (as presently, typically constituted, anyway) but I would totally come to yours. It sounds like it wouldn't suck.

teamBoo said...

oooh! can i come?

p.s. you are the funniest blogger i know (ish)

Heath said...

I also think about my funeral and death often. I like funeral potatoes and so, I like it when others die. I guess I won't be happy when I die, seeing that my taste buds won't work anymore. I would also make everyone listen to Aaliyah's "Dust yourself off and try again."

Becky said...

Thinking of you with the passing of your aunt. It is interesting to think of one's funeral. I think they will say you are amazing and helped people find humor and the joy in each day. Love this post!

Katy said...

I love your sense of humor.

The Mayor said...

I'm really sorry to hear about your Aunt. I was trying to think about a tasteful joke to make you smile, but nothing is ever really appropriate when you lose someone. I think a funeral at Disney World would be nice. I already told my parents and loved ones that I would like the funeral reception to take place at Taco Bell because, really, what is the word 'funeral' if nothing but 'fun-real!' misspelled.