Here's Harrison about to hit Donald Duck. (DUCK!!)
Here's Harrison actually hitting Snow White.
Here's Harrison and me doing nothing particularly exciting.
***PSSSSSST Renee!!! Up here***
What? Where? What? Huh?
***Renee!! PSSST!! Stop moving your head from side to side and look up here. How the heck are you going to see anything moving your head like that anyway??***
Up whe... Um.... Wait, is that my PICTURE talking to me?
***Yes, it's me, Picture You. Or rather, Picture Me. I've been given permission to address you, in blog form, to address a very real problem you have been ignoring for far too long.***
I'm kind of freaking out right now.
***Then just listen, and let Picture Me do the talking.***
***See, the thing is, there aren't a lot of Picture Mes out there. You don't get in front of a camera very often. And, well, that's been a mistake for you. Because, and I don't know how to say this kindly, you are a mess, and I don't think you realize that, because you rely on mirrors. Which don't show your bottom half. Which means, you can't see that your jeans? They are not okay.***
***I feel bad that you have to hear this from me, a picture of you. Especially in front of all these people. But it needs to be said. Your jeans don't fit right. I know that's party the fault of our lack of junk in our trunks, But all those Gossip Girls are lacking the junk, and they still look good in jeans, so you can't totally blame the figure, or lack thereof.***
This is pretty embarrassing, but I'm glad you brought it to my attention, Picture Me. But now I'm totally lost. What am I supposed to do? I mean, these are Old Navy jeans, promised to fit everyone just right. Is the color? The cut? the size?
***I don't really know. I'm just Picture Me, which is basically you, but in picture form. I don't know anything you don't know. If anything, I'm just a more negative version of you. So I've kind of already given up. I just thought you should know. My time is up. See you at Christmastime, when you accidentally end up in the background of someone's picture of Lennon opening presents.***
Oh. Okay. Thanks Picture Me.
You guys, I know you could see all that. That was freaky. But what's even scarier is that I've been wearing the wrong jeans for my body for like, at least the past ten years. What am I supposed to do about this???
Can someone who knows something about jeans tell me what I'm doing wrong exactly? I need brutally honest, but with a silver lining. But, like, not a silver lining on the actual jeans, because that's sounds kind of 80's.