My family plays a game called Scum. I'm told it's all the rage in Utah. It's a genuinely fun game, and I absolutely recommend you give it a shot.
However, I absolutely recommend against playing the game with me, as this game turns me into an... a.... ...... hmmm.... I'm trying really hard to come up with a proper synonym for "a**hole", because I know I have readers who might appreciate a clean read, but "big fat meanie" is just not quite cutting it.
So yeah, when it comes to Scum, I'm a stronger term for "big fat meanie".
I'm not going to get into the rules of how it's played (it's complicated), except to say that it's important where you are sitting, when it's your turn, and who laid down the highest card. And this is where my BFMness shines.
The following is an example of a typical interaction during game play:
Me: I think that your supposed to be sitting over there.
Other Scum Player: Oh, oops, you're right.
Me: YEAH I'm right. MOVE!
Me: Whose turn is it?
Other Scum Player: Oh! It's mine.
Me: YEAH it's yours. GO!
Me: WAIT! It's MY turn.
Other Scum Player: sorry...
Me: YEAH you're sorry. HA!
One more example:
Me: Who laid down the card that just beat mine?
Other Scum Player: um....
Me: That's it, I'm DONE!
...and I overthrow the table, party mix and M&M's fly across the room, chairs topple over, women weep, and I walk out of the room, screaming, "I AM FORTUNE'S FOOL!!!", middle finger waving wildly, while the other scum players pick up the strewn cards and pray for my mortal soul.
Okay, maybe it doesn't happen exactly like that, but I'm still a big fat meanie, and I think, after much reflection, I now know why.
I really hate losing.
Games of skill are one thing. I can handle that. No big deal if we're playing Trivial Pursuit, and I don't know who wrote the theme song to Hill Street Blues (Mike Post butthat'snotimportant (yesitis)). I can handle losing when I just don't know the answer (noIcan't). What I can't handle is when luck deals me a bad hand, and I'm supposed to just live with it, accept my fate, and do my best with what I've been given.
I really, really hate doing that.
I think this makes me a bad person. Or, at least, an intolerable person. Kenny Rogers was right to compare a game of cards to life. And if I've learned anything from the way I play Scum, it's that I really suck at life.
So, next time I play cards, I'm gonna be like, totally cool with whatever hand I'm dealt. Roll with the punches. And when I'm losing I won't get attitude, and I'll just repeat to myself that it's most important to just play fairly, play smart, and play 'til the end. I will become a better person. I will find peace and joy in times of great trial. I will not suck at life.
However, if it just so happens that I'm winning, all bets are off, and I reserve the right to do a victory dance all over your sorry excuse for game-losing existence. Sucka!